I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
