Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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