A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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