one two three fourrrrnication!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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