There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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