So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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