He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
