I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
