There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There's even glitter on my cock...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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