Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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