Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
