Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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