It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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