booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We are all done wearing pants today
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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