I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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