my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
A bitchslap is in order.
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