I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
