I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
