I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to make out with him forever
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
