Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do vagina's smell?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
