I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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