had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
