We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
