Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
