I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
