Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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