You can't motorboat a personality
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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