Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
