bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
