Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
