I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
