Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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