Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
