I just pynch a tree in the face
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
