I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
