i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize