I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
