my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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