Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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