If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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