I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
