saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
