Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize