Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
