You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
