3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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