You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
