john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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