apparently the secret to your success is patron
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
