i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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