My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
