I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
it glows. i had to have it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
