I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize