"it" just moved
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
