Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
did i just pee glitter
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize