why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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