I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
