: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's shark week go big or go home
i now understand why vodka
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
