the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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